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11/24/2005: "5 Tips for a Happy Thanksgiving"

For those of you spending the day with family and friends, let me offer a couple of tips on making the day a more smooth, pleasant experience.

1. If you're cooking (either the entire meal or something to take elsewhere) expect to burn it or undercook it. That's right, expect a flop. You know that recipe you've made a thousand times and can prepare flawlessly while you chew gum, vaccuum and address early Christmas cards? It's destined to be a culinary disaster today. Trust me on this. I have plenty of experience ranging from the time I slept through the alarm when I was smoking the turkey--yes, it was along the lines of a petrified turkey, to the time the Gulf shrimp I'd hauled back from the shore and frozen for the occasion thawed out to mush and I had no back-up planned--Waffle House never closes and eggs and grits are darn good when there's no food on the table at home.

2. Expect someone in the family to behave like a heathen and generally cause a scene or maybe even a family feud. There's something about family gatherings at holidays that just brings out the worst in everyone. Some people naively show up anticipating a day of familial harmony and goodwill. Don't fall victim to that delusional expectation. Chuck that sentiment at the door. Someone's gonna show out today. Maybe Cousin Roy's going to announce he's opting for some elective surgery in the upcoming year and henceforth would prefer to be called Rowenna. Aunt Mary could ask Uncle Dave for a divorce while she's passing the peas and carrots. Your sister might inform your parents she's blown her 401K on therapy because they never allowed her to play with Barbie dolls and she's had a helluva time getting in touch with her femininity and they need to reimburse her the therapy expenses. When your spooning up seconds, your dh might opine to the table in general that you should skip the second round since your pants seem a bit tight. (Keep spooning at that point--the tighter the better since he won't be getting anywhere near them for a long time after THAT comment!) You get my drift. Someone's going to open their mouth and upset the apple cart. Know it. Embrace it.

3. Bring a video camera. You can pretend it's to record the wonderful occasion. You and I will know it's to catch the disaster for posterity. You could be sitting on a cool 10K because there are lots of shows that pay for that kind of uncensored video footage. How about America's Most Disastrous Holiday Meals coming to satellite tv soon?

4. Drink before the occasion. Go ahead and knock back a couple of beers or glasses of wine. Heck, mix and match if you want. The key is finding that "just right" spot between taking the edge off the day and taking the edge off your brain. Uh, tread lightly here cause you don't want to be the one spectacling yourself (refer to #2 above). If you feel you've over-fortified yourself for the occasion, for goodness sakes, skip #3. You'll hear about it for the rest of your life, you don't want it recorded in technicolor.

5. This is really just a summary of the above, but expect chaos and a disaster. Mentally prepare for the worst. Take those expectations and see just how low you can go. Alrighty now, anything above that will make for a fabulous day!

Seriously, Happy Thanksgiving. I wish you a peaceful, joyful occasion wherever you are and however you spend your day.

Jen

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